I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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