We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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