Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
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