i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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