i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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