whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
