My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
