You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
