I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
