Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
