He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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