tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
