Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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