Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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