If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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