Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
