The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
