Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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