Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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