god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
