I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
