i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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