How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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