So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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