I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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