Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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