Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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