I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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