Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
