I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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