I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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