two words...techno handjob
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
