You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
