I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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