we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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