haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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