Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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