my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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