john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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