i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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