i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
50% drunk capacity currently
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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