just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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