Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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