so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
