I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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