I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
