I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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