Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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