Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
