She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
