She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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