I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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