mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
