dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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