Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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