Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
