did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
