I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
