Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
