She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
